Old Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the men actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when Fast Eddie outstretched his hand. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!" "Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"

The Plane

A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died.

After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport.

"You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!"

The air traffic controller answered "I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know that you are flying upside down?"

"Because I have shit running up my neck!!!"

Penis enlarger

A) Spent $50 on Ebay for a penis enlarger.

B) Bastards sent a magnifying glass.

Job Center

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Nanaimo British Columbia and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. "The annual salary is $85,000, and you'll have to go to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

The Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office

and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: