Tootie Green

A guy goes into the confessional on Saturday afternoon and says to the priest, Father, he confessed, it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Tootie Green twice last month.

The priest told the sinner, You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. Ive had sex with Tootie Green twice a week for the past two months.

This time, the priest questioned, Who is this Tootie Green?

A new woman in the neighborhood, the sinner replied.

Very well, sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasnt wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, Is that Tootie Green?

The bug-eyed altar boy couldnt believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, No Father, I think its just a reflection from her shoes..

New Web Site

Just a wee post to let you know I've got a new site Learn Guitar 365.

Shoes or Boots

A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was terribly upset.

"You see, Doc," the patient explained, "my problem is that I like shoes much better than I like boots."

"Why, thats no problem," answered the doctor. "Most people like shoes better than boots."

The patient was thrilled, "Thats neat, Doc! How do you like them, fried or scrambled?"

The insurance side of sex........

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust.

Sex with long-term partner - Standard Life.

Sex with your secretary - Employer's Liability.

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Casual sex with different partners - Go Compare.

Sex with a lady boy - Confused. Com

The Pastors Cat

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'

She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

Anyone can count the seeds in an apple; but only God can count the apples in a seed .

Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." He walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."