Potty Mouthed

Little Johnny was the most "potty-mouthed" kid in school, looking for every chance to offer a "new " word for the rest of the kids to take home. So naturally when the teacher started a new vocabulary exercise for the class it went like this:

"OK class" "I'll give you a letter and you give me a word that starts with that letter."

"Alright then, the first letter is A"

Little Johnny wanted to go first, but had finally gotten it into his head that the teacher wanted everyone to raise their to be called on before speaking, so he was in there with his hand flailing around in the air with the rest of the class.

The teacher looked around the room to pick one of the students and knew she had better not pick Johnny...after all she knew what word she would likely get and it would probably be dirty, so she called on little Mary who sat in front of Johnny.

"Mary" said the teacher. As Mary stood up little Johnny whispered to her "Say asshole, Mary, say asshole." Mary says "Apple" and the teacher says "Thank you, Mary".

"The next letter is B" Hands shoot up, teacher scans the class and picks little Billy, who sits on Johnny's left.

"Say Bastard, Bill, Say Bastard" Billy says "Baseball".

Then the letter is C, and little Amy, on Johnny's right.

"Say cock, Amy, say cock". On and on went the exercise and the teacher was running out of choices and would soon HAVE to pick little Johnny.

She had heard him whispering to the class with each letter "Dildo", "Epididymis", "Fuck", "Gynecology", and so on.

26 students, 26 letters, she had finally come to end and had to call on Johnny. "And the last letter is Z, and Johnny is the only student left who has not given an answer, so Johnny your letter is Z".

Johnny was befuddled. Z? What word started with Z in his lexicon of dirty words. Z? Johnny stood up and said "uh, Z-z-z-Zebra?"

"Very good" said the teacher feeling triumphant that she had gotten an answer that did not create a problem.

"Yeah", said Johnny " A big fuckin' Zebra with wide-ass black and white stripes!"

The Blonde and the Cow

A blond city girl named Diana marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Diana, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After awhile, the artificial insemination

man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Diana takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Diana sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks Diana; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

Diana turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Old Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the men actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when Fast Eddie outstretched his hand. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!" "Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"

The Plane

A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died.

After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport.

"You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!"

The air traffic controller answered "I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know that you are flying upside down?"

"Because I have shit running up my neck!!!"